Sunday, July 19, 2009

1 am again, and I'm going to get Thor to post soon... I hope

Once upon a time, there lived a very perverted potato. He worked in an office, and try as they might, the management could not get the very perverted potato to stop his perverse ways. They tried showing him sexual harassment videos, but they just gave him ideas. They tried giving him a stern talking to, whilst throwing in a few "shame-on-yous" for good measure, but he still patted the female potatoes on their eyes. Granted, the exposed eyes were tempting, even for the gay potatoes, but still, such behaviour has no place in the office. The management wracked their brains to try to find a solution, for they did not want to fire the very perverted potato because he always brought the chips to the office parties.

But lo and behold, an idea came unto the management like an angel as it sits upon the porcelain glory of the heavenly toilet. They lured the very perverted potato into the office of a particularly attractive manager, and when he came in she sliced him into many pieces and fried him into crisps.

Moral: If you are a cannibal to start with, it's very easy to solve your problems.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

It's one and I'm on drugs. Well, cough meds, but still.

Once upon a time, in a land commonly referred to as Jersey, there lived a young lady named Shaquanda. Also living in the land at this time was a young man named Barton, but that is unimportant. One morning, Shaquanda woke up to the shrill shrieking of her Grandmother, so she awoke and began attending to her. Cleaning her diaper, feeding her biscuits, rolling her another doobie, etc. After she had finished and Granny was once again in a semi-comatose state, Shaquanda put on her best Faerie wings and flew off into the land of Jersey (As all fine ladies do.) Once Shaquanda had landed where she had decided, well, 19 feet away from her destined landing point, she came upon a young man named Ampersand, and he said unto her....

To Be Continued...

Monday, October 22, 2007

Where are my pants, please?

I am quite disturbed right now... you see, I can't quite find my pants... I know I left them here on the toilet a few days ago... but no matter, I see that you are ready for another story...

Sit down and close your eyes, for I am about to tell you the magical story of Billy the Crackhead.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Billy. Billy was a young lad who had taken a fancy to one of his little female friends who went to class with him. (Billy had also once taken a fancy to the neighbor's dog, but that's another story for another time.) He was so enamored with this beautiful young lass, that he made her a big valentine for Halloween. He made sure that he addressed it to her specifically, because little Mary Jane lived on what most call "The Bad Part of Town" with the "Undesirables." But little Billy didn't mind because most days little Mary Jane could get him some rather wicked "Blow" from the nice man who stands on the street corner.

So days and days went by, and it finally came to be Halloween. Little Billy dressed up as his favorite thing in the world, Little Mary Jane, which isn't creepy at all! And little Mary Jane had dressed up as one of the "High-class Ladies" who like to walk around on the streets of Mary Jane's "Hood" at night. Little Billy hopped out of his car and made sure that his mini-skit was on just right and just then the nice man who stands on the street corner started yelling at him. "Where my money, Mary Jane???!!!?" He then pulled out a Rather Large Gun and proceeded to blow his brains out.

Mary Jane found out about this and moved to Cuba, where she lives happily with her husband and nineteen children.

Moral: Don't dress up like the girl you want to date. It will get you shot.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Feeling Rather Verbose Today.

Due to the fact that I am feeling quite verbose today, I have decided to bring, for your viewing pleasure, another story.

Random Story #Eleventy-Billion
Once upon a time, In a magical land lived a happy bunny. The bunny was quite happy jumping about in the forest, and even had a girlfriend, who he reproduced with quite frequently, as bunnies will do. One day, this bunny found that one of his children was Black, which was odd, because mummy and daddy bunny were both sea-foam coloured. This disturbed daddy bunny so much that he tied his ears to oxen that were running in different directions, who promptly tore them right off for him. Split him in half too. Actually, I dont think that he did this because the baby bunny, named Persnickity, was black, but because he was on so many different types of medication that it really buggered up his brains... no matter though, hes in a heap of compost now... anyway... well... Blast... I cant remember what I was... oh yes, so anyway, Persnickity had no daddy, and it turns out that dear old mum got eaten by the big, pink hairless things that come around every so often, so Persnickity readied himself to venture out into the world, quite alone. He hopped over to the big field and was promptly torn to shreds by the plow that one of the big, hairless, pink things was driving.

The End.
Moral: Bunnies are expendable.

Albi the Racist Dragon

In the Marmalade Forest
Between the make-believe trees
In a cottage cheese cottage
lives Albi the racist dragon
Part 6: and so, all of the villagers chased Albi the racist dragon into a very cold and very scary cave. And it was so cold, and so scary in there, that Albi began to cry dragon tears. Which as we all know turn into jellybeans!
Anyway, at that moment he felt a tiny little hand rest upon his tail, and he turned around, and who should that little hand belong to but the badly burnt Albanian boy from the day before.
Albi: What are you doing here, I thought I killed you yesterday! (grumbled Albi quite racistly)
Boy: No Albi, you didn’t kill me with your dragon flames. I crawled to safety! But you did leave me very badly disfigured. (laughed the boy.)
Why are you crying so?
Albi: I’m crying because all of those horrible villagers chased me into this scary cave! I think it’s because I’m so racist... Get your hand off my tail, you’ll make it dirty.
Boy: No Albi, it’s not because of your racism that they chased you here. They chased me here too and I became all disfigured like this. They just don’t like you and I…because…well because we’re different.

And that made Albi cry a single tear, which turned into a jellybean all colors of the rainbow!
And suddenly, he wasn’t racist anymore.
So they sat in the cave
And ate bubblegum pie
YUM!
Albi
The racist....
Well, not anymore!
Dragon

The Most Wonderful Story of Osstin

Osstin was quite a happy little lad who lived in the land of Blombtuckerton. One day, as he was walking through the field, singing a happy tune, a Rather Large Man with a Big Trenchcoat on approached him. Osstin felt that his presence was quite odd, and therefore kicked him in his "special place" as his Mummie called it. Sure enough, Mummie was right! The Rather Large Man fell to the ground screaming the Words That Shant Be Said and coughing up rather copious amounts of blood. Osstin stared for a moment and went on his merry way. As the sun fell on the little town, Osstin skipped merrily home to have a glass of delicious Orange Juice. Just then, Osstin's Mummie walked over to Osstin and tied him to the chair. She then forced a funnel into his mouth and made him eat pork and beans for the next 3 hours.

The End

Moral: Even though your Mum may have good advice, she might snap at any moment or perhaps even give you an awful name.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Oh bother!

I, In heaven they watch 24... have returned. Just to let you know. I'm going to contact Thor asap to get this going again... because whats life without a little drug induced story?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Game Review (of Thor) #1

TimeSplitters ?????????
Who the crap thought that this was a good idea. The utter thought that this first person shooter even had a chance at coming close to being good is a laugh. The graphics wait what graphics there were none to speak of. The game play was like trying to run around blind. The aiming was the worst I have ever seen.
If you bought this game at full price I am genuinely sorry for you loss.
I give this game the FATE WORSE THAN HELL award just because it was and still is not worth playing.
Final Comment: an utter waste of time.

Thor resently named Game Reveiwer extrordinare (fine that's a bit much)
Just A Gamer with a Point of View

Monday, June 12, 2006

Game Awards

I would like to take a moment and explain awards given to games.
The Spastic Penguin Stamp of Approval: This means the game is one of the top games I have ever played and could keep the attention of a Spastic Penguin.

The Wet Pants Award: Means that the game is highly immersive and caused me to forget to go to the bathroom on more than one occasion.

The Donkey Award for Greed: Games who win this "award" are utter crap and used the success of a past game or movie to get more money.

The Turnip Award: Means that this game is not as fun and a Turnip.

The Oogle Award: Given to games that made me oogle at the enviroments. A 10/10 will not ensure this award because Graphics may be good but not oogleworthy

The Neil Diamond Eardelicious Award: The sound from this game is enough to make me buy it.

The Fate Worse Than Hell Award: Means this game was so crappy that I didnt finish it. If I rented it, it was returned within 2 hours and If I bought it I returned it. If it was unable to be returned, I broke the disc in half and left it at the customer service desk.

The Godfather

This game took 10 hours to beat all of the missions. Just the missions. It is amazingly good once you get past the controls. The only thing is it is somewhat easy to beat. Fans of the movie should definately buy and casual gamers should go jump off of a cliff because a casual gamer is an oxymoron. You are either a gamer or you are Jack Tompson (Who needs a good colonic irrigation). But I digress. In this gem of a game you are able to make your own character (mine looked alot like Tim Curry... I figured this out after 2 hours of play) and interact with all of the characters from the original Godfather film. But this is not some crappy movie game where if you have seen the movie you can beat the game easy. So much of this game is original and plays like an extension to the movie.
BREAKDOWN:
Graphics: Lovely. Dosent even have the crappy arm through closed door thing and the enviroments are great only thing is some things are too generic. 9/10

Gameplay: Missions and extortion is very well done. No lag or boring spots. Tension is always abound. 10/10

Sound: Some sound bytes are used WAY too often but the use of sound from the movies is great. Sometimes the music changes abrubtly and is distracting or confusing 7/10

Overall: Highly recommended 9/10

This game has won the following Random Story Teller Awards.
The Spastic Penguin Stamp of Approval
The Wet Pants Award

Gamepass

I, Lord Arch-Duke Covington, have recently purchased a Hollywood video gamepass so I can play all the games I want to without actually purchasing a game. Why did I do this you ask? To illustrate I will give you a statistic. In the last 6 days of having the gamepass I have beaten 4 games. Thats more than one every 2 days. Before you say I dont have a life I have actually been able to keep in touch with reality... I helped Thor and his family cut down a tree that fell on his car and all that yesterday. The thing is I havent slept for the past few days but all for your GAIN. I will now give insightful game reviews.